Same but Different Part 2

This summer has involved some intense change in my life. I started out the summer filled with fear and frustration.

Fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of failure. Fear of losing my job. Fear of disappointing my parents. In writing about this now, it almost sounds absurd. However, this is something that I have dealt with for a long time. The memories from my first year at college are still so vivid. I was so scared of losing the scholarship - either because of grades or some kind of screw-up - even being in the wrong place at the wrong time. So I holed up in the basement - the dungeon - of the library and studied and over-studied and fretted and worried. At night, I remember walking around campus with tears in my eyes and feeling so lonely. Eventually, this all began to change and lift. However, it returned with a vengeance at Purdue. I got scared... and I bailed. It happened when I would have relapses of ITP. I remember spending the night in the hospital in Lafayette - alone - not even telling my closest friends where I was. Why? I didn't want to be perceived as weak and was to scared to ask for help - admit my own fallibility. Fast forward a few years and I'm starting my fifth year at work and nearly ready to bail, again. Why? The same fears that had gripped me in the past. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. All of this triggered some response mechanisms: anger, gossip, talking about other people, f-bombs. Quite frankly, my attitude sucked. The self-talk became overwhelming and left my mind spinning and me exhausted. I felt paralyzed and bailing seemed to be the only solution.

Or was it?

Some things started to change. I met some cool people and spent time with quite a few amazing people. I started experimenting and trying some new things - like jumping into rivers and sleeping outside under the stars (okay, even smoked some cigars and a corncob pipe).

One night early in the summer, I heard a voice say, "Go for a walk." So I started out on the walk. Then, I heard, "Run." So I ran.

At work, I started letting go - letting go of things that I just didn't have any control over. I took this wasted energy and started putting it into more positive efforts. Guess what? We started finding cost reductions that I didn't think even existed and we are still finding more - sometimes we find new cost reductions every day. I've even been known to sing out on the production floor - particularly when wearing the neon-green T-shirt.

A few weeks ago, a colleague said something that shocked me, "You are different."

Maybe he's right. I really don't know what the future holds, but I do know that for the first time in my working career, I actually look forward to getting to work. It is kind of amazing really and I'm thankful - thankful for this new chance.